Lily is 2

Why is blogging so hard?  I could say it is because of being "busy" - yes life is "busy" - between work, keeping up with the daily musts (washing bottles/pump parts, washing diapers, regular laundry, "making" dinner, getting bags ready, feeding Michael, trying to keep the house somewhat clean and errands) and of course trying to soak in every minute of my two kiddos, enjoying the daily grind.  But so many other bloggers I read have just as many daily to-dos but still find time to blog.  Time just gets away from me.  Seconds turn into minutes and minutes into hours.  Before I know it, weeks are passing. 

Which transitions me into the real reason for this post - Lily Jane turned 2!  Two years old. 730 days.  17,520 hours.  1,051,200 minutes.  On one hand, it seems like yesterday I was rushing to the hospital when my water broke.  On the other hand, I can't even remember what life was before her bright personality entered our lives and forever changed me.

I think the word "spirited" it a good one to describe Lily.  She is SO full of energy.  Hates bedtime and naps. She wants to be a part of everything. She wants to explore everything.  She wants to play with everything, especially if someone else is looking at it!   She truly loves life.  I can't even believe how old she seems - we have real conversations now, about our weekends, her favorite movies and what she wants to do.  Her favorite thing to say lately is "how are you, mommy? how are you daddy?"  She loves to talk.  She loves to give big hugs, which is sweet for me, but not so sweet when she knocks her friends over or smushes Michael. I probably say the word gentle 50 times a day.  She doesn't always do what I say but I know she is listening.  She has a "tone" with the dog I sometimes use and it makes me cringe. It makes me want to be a better person because she is learning how to treat others and herself from me. 

So far, 2 is an amazingly fun age, for many of the reasons I have said - the energy and excitement of everyday things (we saw a train over the weekend and she can't stop talking about the "choo-choo"), the conversation, the sweetness.  However, I have already joked about the terrible 2s starting to make an appearance - between fighting sleeptime, taking toys from friends and using hitting or temper tantrums to get attention, we are challenged every day.  I don't know all the answers and am constantly questioning if I am doing the right thing, giving her enough attention, giving her enough boundaries.  All I know is, I am trying my best and feel so blessed than I get to be "Lily's mommy."

 

Ramblings on back to work

We have nearly survived three weeks with me back at work.  The house hasn't been dusted since, laundry has piled up and we have picked up dinner from Hy-Vee or pizza more times than I would like to admit.  I  haven't blogged or taken very many photos.  But we have almost made it through July, an accomplishment that feels especially meaningful since it's the busiest month of work for me and I have now worked 12 straight days, with five left to go until I finally have a full day off.

I have had such mixed emotions and feel like I have handled the transition better than I thought I would.  Being too busy to worry or think too much about it has definitely helped.  And lack of sleep dulls emotions a bit - I spent a lot of time simply in survival mode, trying to not forgot anything at home or at work. 

Surprisingly, I have somewhat enjoyed getting back into a routine, interacting with coworkers/others and some of the organizing/planning I get to do at work much more than I thought I would.  But I can't pretend I don't miss my kiddos like crazy. And having to work all weekend, on Lily's birthday, is breaking my heart. This year she is starting to "get it." We have talked about her having a "happy day" and she answers "2" when we ask how old she will be. Sometimes I wonder if me missing her birthday could be one of her earliest memories? I feel so terrible just thinking about it and would give anything to spend the day with her - but simply can't if I want to have this job.  And I am pretty positive she knows how much I love her, I only tell her about a million times a day and try to show it in my actions, too.  At least that is what I am telling myself to make me feel better...

But despite the challenges of trying to "have it all" I know how lucky I am.  Two people close to me are both going through very different struggles and I am trying to be grateful for the things I have that I know others would give so much for.  At the end of the day, I am so thankful to have a job, and to work somewhere that has let me transition to part time (at least once this month is over), that provides me and my family excellent health insurance and helps our family live the comfortable life that we have, with a nice home, safe cars, clothes, food and fun things every now and then.  And I KNOW how blessed I am to have two healthy and generally happy sweet babies (yes Lily is still my baby!!) who mean the whole world to me. 

My desk at work... reminds me, need to bring more photos - one of all four of us especially - and some of Lily's art for the walls!

Wordless Wednesday: this is what 'back to work' looks like

Wordless Wednesday... Those summer nights

The best ten weeks

MBefore Michael was born I was of course looking forward to maternity leave - meant my baby was here and who wouldn't want 10 weeks off work!  But I had a million questions and worries going through my head constantly - would Michael breastfeed or would I have to pump again?  Would we ever sleep?  Would Lily act out?  Would Lily miss school?  Should I have kept her in day care?  Would Kevin and me fight?  Would Michael be an easy baby or colicky?  Could I be a good mom to two, could I have enough love and time to go around?

Yes there have been hard moments and lack of sleep and days of constant crying.  But I am not glamorizing it when I say it has without a doubt been the best 10 weeks of my life.

Michael has been an incredibly sweet and easy baby, and I feel so bonded with him.  Lily has adjusted so well and we have done so many fun things to reconnect.  Kevin has been an amazing and supportive husband and dad.  Our days have been simple but full.... Cuddling and feeding Michael.  Laughing with Lily.  Check-ins from Kevin. Water table and kiddie pool and swim lessons.  Pixar movies.   Play-dough, paint and coloring. Snuggles, hugs and kisses.  Reading book after book, especially nursery rhymes. Visits to many different parks.  Family walks.  Making cookies and brownies, licking the bowl.  Visits from our extended family and trips to Kansas City and St. Louis.  Countless Target trips. Sweet, sweet naptime.  Stories and singing at the library.   End of the day showers and baths.  Middle of the night feedings, my favorite time with Michael.  Early mornings.  "Happy days."

I am happy.  My kids are happy (mostly!).  The other day while walking around Schnucks Lily looked at me and said "love you momma" out of no where and my heart officially melted.

And to officially make this the cheesiest post ever, I will end with this quote from The Office finale that spoke to me -"I wish there was a way to know you're in the good old days before you've left them."  I feel certain that these days of my life will forever be the "good old days" and I am lucky enough to know it,  Thank you Lily and Michael and of course Kevin for making me happy and whole.

When I miss her the most

Not a day goes by that I don't think of mom and of course I miss her at the obvious time - her birthday,  St. Patrick's Day, Mother's Day and all of the holidays.  But those times, usually spent with family, often busy and hectic, aren't when I long for her the most. Honestly it probably sounds selfish but I miss her most when life throws me a big decision or a big change.  Her words and advice and simple support where the best things she gave me as a mother.   I miss just being able to pick up the phone and ask for her advice; she never failed to make me feel better.  It has been more than three years and sometimes I still forget I can't pick up the phone and call.  She was always there for me.

My 10 weeks of maternity leave are coming to an end and lots of questions about the future for our family are lingering.  I don't want to go into many details but we are making some though choices and thinking so much about the future.  I pray to my mom every day for a sign, for her guidance.  One of the hardest things about her being gone for so long is I am not sure what she would say.  We never got to have conversations about motherhood, the choices and sacrifices we make as moms.  I always wonder what she would say about me working - would she advise working and helping support my family?  Would she encourage me to find a way to stay home as my babies are only babies once?  Would she want me to follow my heart or my head?  In my heart the bottom line I know is she would support me and love me and me proud no matter what happens (I know that is how I would feel about Lily and Michael). 

This ring was one of the last gifts mom gave me and I try to let the words guide how we live.  However I still wish I could have her talk me through everything - these are the days I miss her the most.

Wordless Wednesday: Splash Park Fun